rexblog special

The Final Conversation Between Bonnie Fuller and Jann Wenner

Satire by Marty Wombacher

Marty Wombacher used to publish the magazine “Fishwrap” whenever he could save up enough money to put out an issue. He e-mailed rexblog in October, 2003, to let all three rexblog readers know that he quit doing Fishwrap because he grew tired of the ridicule it received from the mainstream world of magazines and to let us know that he’s decided to head in a new direction — and one, frankly, I feel sure will succeed.

Marty’s new magazine is called Marty’s Magazine and in his e-mail to me, he explained his concept is to “write and publish a magazine marketed strictly for (himself).” Like Fishwrap, the new Marty’s Magazine (URL to come when there’s a website) will be “filled with absurdist humor and parodies of other magazine columns and features.” Marty even granted the rexblog the special opportunity to post an example of the kind of Marty’s Magazine feature that is not available anywhere else on the Internet. That is, until the launch of the Marty’s Magazine’s website.

I’ve posted Marty’s piece below; his satirical take on what went on during the final conversation between Bonnie Fuller and Jann Wenner. The rexblog would like to extend Marty the best of wishes on the launch of Marty’s Magazine. Of all the magazine launches I’ve heard of this year, you have, without a doubt, the clearest understanding of your potential reader. I know you’ll do great job of satisfying that niche audience.

A word of caution to rexblog regulars, however. The article below contains a few words not typically found in the rexblog, or, at least not spelled correctly. If you don’t want to read the “F” word or other words that begin with several letters of the alphabet, do not proceed.

The Final Conversation Between Bonnie Fuller and Jann Wenner

By Marty Wombacher

(rexblog warning (for the second and last time): The following contains Adult Language (juvenile humor, perhaps, but adult language). If you don’t want to read the “F” word and some other words beginning with additional letters of the alphabet, then feel welcomed (actually, feel encouraged) to avoid this stab at humor at the expense of a couple of really rich, quirky people. )

Saturday, Jun 28, 2003—NEW YORK—Bonnie Fuller has resigned as editor of Us Weekly, a once struggling celebrity magazine that she revived, to become editorial director of American Media Inc., a major publisher of supermarket tabloids including The National Enquirer.
Fuller resigned Thursday, 16 months after taking over Us Weekly, magazine spokeswoman Samantha Rosenthal said yesterday. Us Weekly is owned jointly by Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner and Walt Disney Co.

Five days earlier…

Jann: So how’s it going Bonnie?

Bonnie: (staring at a proof of the upcoming cover of that week’s Us magazine) Godammit! (Note from the blogger: see what I mean.) They used the word “hypothetically” in one of the cover lines! Fucking (Note from the blogger: See. Okay, you get the idea.) idiots. I’ve told these people time and time again nothing over three syllables on the cover! Our audience won’t get it. They won’t understand a word like hypothetically, it’ll confuse them and they won’t buy the issue. Why am I the only one who sees these things? Oh someone’s getting fired over this shit.

Jann: Hey Bonnie, did I ever tell you about the time I had lunch with John and Yoko?

Bonnie: (Pointing to the logo on the cover) Motherfucker! They outlined the logo in cyan. Shit! I’ve told them never to use straight cyan on the cover. It makes people feel cold and they won’t pick up the issue. (sticking her head out the office door and screaming down the hallway) It’s simple rules people! Start learning or get the fuck out of here now and save me the trouble of having to fire your sorry asses!

Jann: Well anyway, I was in London, to meet Mick for an exclusive interview, this is in the mid 70s, so by now, you know, me and Mick are really good friends. He really likes me and thinks I’m cool. In fact most of the rock stars think I’m a cool and neat guy. And movie stars do too. Cause, you know, I started putting them on the cover around this time. Oh, remind me later to tell you my Michael Douglas story.

Bonnie: (Flipping pages on the proof of the magazine) Holy Christ! Nobody photoshopped the zit off this picture of Justin Timberlake. He doesn’t look perfect. And he’s a star! He’s a major celebrity and he’s got a fucking zit the size of Grant’s tomb on his chin! Our audience will be confused! Fuck! Okay, that’s it, the art director’s toast. (twisting her  face into a knot) Hmm, what the fuck is the art director’s name anyway?

Jann: So I’m in London and I’m not meeting with Mick till the evening so I decide to call up John and Yoko and see if they want to have lunch with me. I have John’s private phone number, cause I was really good friends with him. And with the other Beatles as well. I hung out with all the Stones too! Well, except for Brian, cause he died before I became a celebrity in my own right.

Bonnie: (still flipping through pages) Oh fuck me running! Whose bright fucking idea was it to let Carrot Top be one of the Fashion Police Cops? His comedy is way too subtle for our audience. They’ll never get humor as sophisticated as his. Fuck…fuck, fuck, fuck! I repeatedly said use only third rate comics, obscure radio personalities and former reality show stars for the Fashion Police Cops. Fuck it, whoever edits this section is going to be out on the sidewalk in about five fucking minutes!

Jann: So anyway I call up John on his private phone, cause I’m a friend and everything…

Bonnie: (putting the magazine down on the desk) Oh, Jann, sorry about breaking in on your story or whatever it is you’re talking about, but I almost forgot. American Media offered me over three million dollars to go and dumb their stuff down. So I’m quitting today.

Jann: Uhhh…have I ever told you about the time I was drinking beer in this Detroit bar with the entire J. Geils Band?