The last Apple rumors you’ll ever need

[Note: After this post was made, I created a Page that keeps a running update of these rumors — many of which proved not to be mere rumors.]

As typical, there are rumors flying around regarding the possibility of an Apple announcement of rumored products. Months ago, I unsubscribed to all RSS feeds of Apple-related news as my mind began to numb when the rumors blurred into more rumors. I’ve discovered that tuning-out Apple rumors is the next best thing to ignoring ESPN for the two-weeks 1leading up to the Super Bowl.

To help others kick the Apple rumor habit, I would like to provide you with all of the rumors you’ll need for the next few years. At different times in the future — starting next week and continuing indefinitely — Steve Jobs will summon the world’s technology media to some location in San Francisco and announce, in no particular order, the following*:

1. Movies via the iTunes store.
2. A “Video Airport Express” that allows you to stream video from your computer wirelessly to your TV.
3. A device that is sort of like an 8″x10″ iPod that does everything a computer does but it won’t be called a tablet computer or an iPod.
4. An iSight/iChat hardware-software combo that works on Windows machines (like when the iPod became available for Windows).
5. Wireless iPod.
6. Wireless iSight (hardware).
7. A wide range of wireless iSight cameras that allow you to automatically beam video to your iPod memory, computer or to stream live online — all with drop-dead simplicity.
8. Devices you place on shelves and hang on walls at home to replace anything you might think of as a “home entertainment center.” (Like this without “the computer.”)
9. Something like the following: A Mighty Mouse-like device that is the computer and works wirelessly with a tiny laser projector or some glasses/earphone device.
10. Newer and newer computers for designers and engineers and video/audio creators and editors and servers that are faster and faster and cheaper and cheaper.
11. A laptop computer that won’t burn a hole in your lap.
12. That he is retiring.
13. That in honor of his retirement, Apple is coming out with a flying car.
14. That they’re coming out with a computer that really doesn’t crash.

*Except for the well-worn rumors included in this list, most are merely wild guesses or stuff I’ve made up. Some of these rumors will be around for years. Also, I guess I need a reason for leaving off one perpetual rumor: iPods don’t need no stinking cell-phone features.

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