No, Virginia, the Apple Tablet is a big fat Fairy Tale

Dear Rex:

I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say that Apple will be coming out with a cool device that’s like an iPod Touch or iPhone, but only bigger — you know, like the rumor you started spreading in 2006 and lots of times since then. Something like what Chris Messina called an iPad Touch back in 2007.

Papa says, ‘If you see it on, it’s so.’

Please tell me the truth; is there a going to be an iPad Touch next year?

Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street

dear virginia

Sorry, kid. Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the reality distortion of Mac fan boys and Apple rumor site bloggers jittered-up on Red Bull. Your friends sound like the type who would believe any rumor or photo-shopped concept — anything they see (i.e., if they blogged, they’d be on Techmeme every day). They think that nothing can’t be if they can make it up in their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be Apple bloggers or CNet or stock analysts who follow Apple, are little — well, except maybe for John Gruber’s. In this great universe of ours, Mac fan boys have imaginations that are as boundless as the world about them, unfortunately they don’t have the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

No, Virginia, there will be no Apple iPad Touch. Not this Christmas. And, face it, sweetie, maybe never.

Unfortunately, in a perfect world, Steve Jobs’ love and generosity and devotion to those fan boys would mean he’d provide them the device they believe would raise their life to its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary the world is because Mr. Jobs went years believing no one reads books, so why would anyone need a device that some idiotic reporter will surely describe as an “ebook reader” Kindle-killer. I hate to tell you, Virginia, as creative a man as Mr. Jobs is (he makes Santa and his elves look like slackers), he can sometimes be rather dreary about ideas that other people come up with — especially if they remind people of the Newton.

Frankly, Virginia, it’s time for you and your little friends to grow up. Apple doesn’t always do what customers want, despite all the hype. Kids like you and your friends need to grow up and drop that childlike faith in Apple. If you’d quit worshiping them so much, it might make it easier to tolerate their existence.

Virginia, learn to enjoy Apple products, but stop worshiping the company. The eternal light which Apple products fill is pretty cool, But you need to unsubscribe to RSS feeds of all Apple rumor blogs.

Believe there will be an iPad in February! You might as well believe Tiger Woods has stopped cheating on his wife. You might get your papa to hire men to go out to Cupertino and threaten Apple to go ahead and launch the damn thing, or, if not, just go ahead and put out an announcement that they aren’t really going to come out with such a device because they’re afraid of the Kindle, or some device called the Nook-e-book reader or JooJoo or the SI Tablet.

But what would that prove?

It would prove that nobody gets to talk with Steve Jobs, because those guys your papa would hire won’t make it past the Cupertino city limits. Face it Virginia: The Apple iPad is one of those things in the world that neither children nor men can see — but a Mac fan boy with Photoshop can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may create the greatest iPhone app and send it to Apple, but there is a veil at Apple covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart — and for no reason whatsoever, you won’t get your app approved. So what makes you think Apple is going to grant your little friends’ wish for a Tablet, much less one that is affordable to a bunch of 8 year olds. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside the Apple curtain and view the supernal beauty and glory beyond its walls — or so believe your friends. Is the Apple tablet for real? Sorry, Virginia, in all this world there has never been such vapor as the Apple Tablet iPad myth.

Your pal,
Rex signature

An Apple iPad in February? Thank God! it won’t happen. Thank God, because that means the rumor can live on forever.

A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, Mac fan boys will still be predicting there will be an Apple tablet in three months.

[Illustration: H. Caldwell Tanner]